Author: Ashley Vance

Five Parenting New Years Resolutions!

1. Change Praise into Validation– Picture this, your child just learned how to do something they have been practicing for weeks….let’s say riding a bike without training wheels. Most of us would say. “I am so proud of you for riding your bike without training wheels!” Now, you might be wondering, “what’s wrong with that?” The answer is “nothing.” However, check out how his simple change in your wording can help your kiddo learn to identify their feelings: “Wow! You rode your bike without training wheels! You feel so proud right now!”

Not only are you showing your child that you are excited for what they have  accomplished, you are also labeling and validating their feelings.  Warning- if you choose the wrong emotion when practicing this; your child will likely look at you like you’re crazy…I’ve had this happen several times during therapy sessions. The beautiful thing about you making a mistake in labeling their feelings is that they can correct you!

2. Stop and Breathe– Okay, so this one is going to be tough but it is SO worth it! When your little one does something that really upsets you, stop and take five deep belly breaths. Belly breathing is simply breathing slowly in through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Your belly should rise and fall when doing this. I like to put my hands on my stomach to make sure I’m breathing into my belly and not lifting my shoulders. Breathing is an amazing way to instantly calm yourself down.

If you react while angry you will only show anger to your child and this can make them fearful. It’s going to be very difficult to explain why you are upset if you are angry and it will be just as challenging for your child to understand what they have done wrong if they are in “fight or flight” mode due to the fear. If you are calm when speaking with your child about what they have done to upset you; you will be able to talk with love and logic. Tell them what they did, how it made you feel and brainstorm with them to figure out what they could have done differently.

3. Talk in terms of choices– It is very common practice to tell a child they are bad when they make a mistake or do something intentionally wrong. Imagine being told over and over for years that you are bad. How do you think that would make you feel? I don’t know about you but my self-esteem would be practically non-existent!

When your child does something bad or wrong, this is a wonderful opportunity to teach them that they can have complete control over their actions and that they can do better. Instead of saying “Oh no! I told you not to use permanent markers on the wall! You are so bad” try this “Oh no! You’ve made a very bad choice by using permanent markers on our walls. That makes me feel sad and frustrated. Next time, try to make a better choice and tell me when you feel like coloring.”

4. Create Family Rules and be Consistent– This one might seem like a no-brainer but it can be very challenging. Many of the families I have worked with, after several months of practice, have seen a reduction in tantrums and an increase in bonding and trust. You can even make this fun! Sit down together as a family and write out the family rules. Let each family member say a rule that would make them feel safer, happier, calmer etc.

Keep writing rules until you have about five or six (If you have a very young child, it’s okay for you to write the rules but include them when possible). Next, discuss and write the consequences for breaking these rules. When you’re finished, put it on a poster board or even a plain sheet of paper and hang it where everyone can see it. If you have little ones who cannot read, draw (or print out) pictures next to the rules to help them remember. Consistency is a difficult thing but if you can do it with these five or six rules, you might just find it easier to be consistent in other situations!

5. Make a bucket list– Time for something fun! Grab a poster board and some markers and call a family meeting. Try to be as realistic as you can with this and come up a number of activities you can do over the year. Use a different colored marker to represent each member of the family. Take turns thinking of fun things that you, as a family, would like to do in the upcoming year. Get creative and silly with this one! I got this idea from a wonderful foster mother I worked with in the past and it was huge success!

Here are some ideas that are inexpensive and a blast to do: dance party with glow sticks, camp out overnight in the backyard, visit a new state park, have a water balloon fight, make a fort out of blankets and furniture and watch a movie! Hang your bucket list on the wall where you can see it every day so you are more likely to follow through with it. You can have a lot of fun with this and it will create opportunities for you and your family to become even more bonded!